Kids don't have to be treated the same, but it should be fair
The money signals sent by mums and dads from childhood to adulthood shape our ability to become financially independent adults.
Children learn from what they see, hear and feel. Money is no different.
Financial education can only go so far, and how we ultimately behave with money is learnt from the people closest to us. Fairness within a family doesn't always automatically extend to money.
The personality traits and talents of children and young adults can impact the ability of a parent to notice cash-favouritism. In adult children, both appreciation and manipulation can cloud a parent's ability to see an unfair outcome.
Relationships are deeply seated in the treatment of money. Here are some of the issues that often get remembered later in life:
1. State versus private:
Education is a financial decision and children see the inequality in every well-reasoned excuse. She got a scholarship. He's the youngest and we can now afford it. She was struggling and needed the lower class sizes. He's gifted and we need to extend him. They're specialists in her sport. Okay, it makes sense however you cut it, but it's still financial favouritism and it won't be forgotten. How you communicate that to other children is crucial and the costs should not be swept under the carpet. Find ways to level the playing field later in life.
2. Dominant versus submissive:
The loudest child, the whinger, the leader or the achiever can do very well financially in a family. Whether the personality trait is positive or negative, it can skew who gets what. Those tiny skews over the years add up and siblings notice.
3. Hobbies versus hermits:
Some children are expensive due to their talents. They require musical instruments, sporting equipment or travel around the country for competitions. Add it up. Acknowledge it. Bear it in mind when the hermit wants a gap year. Talent is not a ticket to financial entitlement in a family.
4. Education versus apprenticeship:
Treat them the same. If you pay for fees, halls of residence or any contribution towards living costs for university, give the child with the apprenticeship the same benefits. Or communicate that it will be sorted out later when a deposit on a home or car is needed.
5. Bride versus groom:
t's now officially unacceptable. You do not pay for your daughter's wedding and make a donation towards your son's. Full stop, end of story, just don't do it.
6. Doctor versus drifter:
It feels easy to justify cash payouts to the unlucky child. You've got three doctors and a drifter, so one needs help. He followed his passion and has been a ski instructor all over the world. She couldn't finish her course due to blah blah blah (sorry not listening). He can't work for anyone; he's too clever and independent and has to start his own business. She has children and needs a bigger house. Fine, do it. Some things are necessary emotionally, but communicate it, quantify it and write it into your will at double its current value. Life choices don't amount to financial entitlement.
7. Calamity Jane versus Calmer Kelvin:
She went off the rails and it might happen again if we don't provide some support. She can't get ahead with those credit card debts. She's a contractor and can't get work. Mishaps, misfortune and mismanagement are part of life, but again, there's no financial entitlement over other siblings.
8. Golden guys versus goosy girls:
Favouritism is a touchy subject and puts most parents on the defensive. The golden child might take over the family business, follow in the career footsteps of a parent or simply be the high achiever who can do no wrong. Sun just shines out of some people's bottoms. Cash often attaches to sunshine and it's hard to see your own bias.
9. Closed versus communicative:
"It's none of your business" is a fine response to an inquisitive five-year-old. When it comes to money and adult families, confidentiality is not a god given right. If you are asking for money your siblings deserve to know. Remarkably, one UK survey shows almost a third of 18 to 54-year-olds ask their parents for cash, with only 9 per cent feeling guilty.
10. Legacy versus jealousy:
Putting any financial skew on the contents of your will is a one-way road to jealousy. You might think your reasons are solid, but it could be the nail in the coffin of your children's relationship with each other. Being judged by a parent for being too rich, too needy or too irresponsible is one heck of a parting statement.
Janine Starks is a financial commentator with expertise in banking, personal finance and funds management. Opinions in this column represent her personal views. They are general in nature and are not a recommendation, opinion or guidance to any individuals in relation to acquiring or disposing of a financial product. Readers should not rely on these opinions and should always seek specific independent financial advice appropriate to their own individual circumstances.